The Strength of the Lord

I have been doing a lot of reminiscing lately.  Five years ago right now I was in one of the lowest places I had ever been both spiritually and emotionally. Five years ago right now, there was so much going on in my family’s life.  Everything was so overwhelming and I felt like the wind had been knocked out of me and I was gasping for air - only it wasn’t coming.   I had just gotten out of the hospital after two major spine surgeries and weeks of intense pain.  I no longer could walk without the assistance of a walker, and even then it was incredibly difficult.  Much of what makes us feel secure we no longer had - my husband did not have a job, we had sold our home and had nowhere to live.  We were travelling around in our van, visiting family, feeling lost, confused, and so alone.

I’d love to say I clung to God’s promises during that time, that I faithfully read my Bible and listened to good preaching and worship music to keep my focus on Him.  But I didn’t.  Instead I neglected my Bible.  I opted to watch Netflix over listening to good music, preaching and teaching.  We even went about 2 months without setting foot in a church. I basically “checked out” of everything. 

And I was miserable. I honestly felt like my family and I were all alone in a terrible storm, with no way to get out and that it was never going to end. I felt God had forgotten all about me, that He wasn’t speaking to me or even around, that He simply had left me to fend for myself.

But then, one day, God used a song that I happened to hear to wake me up.* I suddenly realized that it wasn’t that God was absent and not speaking, it was me who was plugging my ears and closing my eyes, turning my back and refusing to reach out to Him for help, comfort and strength.  I then opened my eyes and became still so I could listen for His voice.  I opened my Bible and started reading it again.  I filled my mind with music full of worship to Him.  And my family and I went back to attending church regularly. It was only then that I felt freedom.  Freedom to stop trying to get through this alone. My situation didn’t change, but my outlook did.  The huge burden that had been weighing me down was lifted.  That “breath of fresh air” I had been so desperate to take finally came.

When people hear my story, they often say statements such as, “You are so strong” or “You are such an inspiration.”  I understand what they are meaning when they say, but my response is always the same.  “It is not me whose strong - it is the Lord.”  It is only through the Lord’s strength that I can embrace the path that He has chosen to lead me down.  Without Him, I would be a constant mess, unable to look past my sorrow over what was and is no longer. I know this because that’s how it was when I tried to get through it on my own.

It is through and because of Him that I can get up each day to face what it may bring - hard stuff included.  It is because of Him that I can still smile when the pain is bad, when I’m facing another surgery or procedure, when I’ve had a bad day, or when the pain from the past creeps into my memory out of nowhere.  But keeping my eyes on Him makes it all bearable. 

It’s been five years and there is still pain from what we went through during that time.  Physically I am worse off than I was - I can no longer walk at all.  I have had several more surgeries since then.  Emotionally we are still healing from that time as well.  Sometimes the memories still hurt and the tears flow freely.  But I can look back and give testament that God has carried me through.  He was strong when I was weak.  He was there, even when I didn’t feel it.  He was good through it all.

You may not have had the same experiences that I and my family have had, but I bet that you can identify with some of the feelings that I have mentioned.  May I encourage you to turn your focus to God, to look to Him to help you deal with whatever is going on in your life?  I know, life is really really hard sometimes.  It is unfair.  It is hurtful.  We are given things that in and of ourselves we cannot handle.  But God is a big God, and nothing is too hard or impossible for Him.  His strength is perfect.  He never gets tired or weary.  Look to Him.  Live for Him.  Give your life to Him.  In doing so, you will find freedom.  And you won’t regret it.

*For anyone wondering, the song God used to “wake me up” was Trust In You by Lauren Daigle.  That song will forever have a special place in my heart.