I’ve Learned I Can Do the Hard.

Six years ago, on May 14th, 2018, I began my stay at the Stan Cassidy Spinal Rehabilitation Centre to begin my concentrated therapy on my legs. This came after two long years of struggling to walk - using a walker. I had spent months and months in frustration because I would try with all my might to pick up my legs higher than an inch off the ground, to bend my leg at the knee, or to stand supporting my own weight without having to hold on to anything.

I spent numerous days in tears because I just couldn’t do it. I was frustrated. I was scared. I was angry. Why was nothing working? Why was such a simple thing like standing and walking so hard? It had been a very long and hard two years leading up to that day. I was at the end of my rope.

So when I was admitted as a patient to the spinal rehab centre, I was SO excited. I knew I had a tough time ahead of me. I was going to spend many days separated from my family. I was going to have to do many things that were going to be taxing both mentally and physically. But it was what was going to get me walking again. So I was more than willing to do it all.

I honestly had no doubt that I was going to “roll” into the rehab centre in a wheelchair and, in time, I was going to walk out. I just knew it. I had visions of Matt (my husband) posting videos on my Facebook and Instagram pages of my first steps by myself. I pictured the celebration we would have, the messages saying “Congrats, Emily! You did it!” It was going to be so epic and I couldn’t wait for it to happen.

And then it didn’t.

Instead of my legs getting stronger, they didn’t do anything at all. I watched the faces of the doctor and therapists as they would say, “Let’s try this” and we would try something different. But when I would work and work and try and try to the point I was out of breath, red in the face, and completely exhausted yet nothing was happening, the realization began to sink in.

I wasn’t going to “get better.”

I had been dealing with this internally on my own for a little while, so that Thursday morning in June several weeks later when the doctor came in, sat down next to me on my hospital bed in my room, and told me that she and quite a few other doctors she had consulted with felt that walking was not an option for me, I wasn’t shocked. I did not feel surprised.

Did I feel sad? Yes. Actually hearing it being said to you is hard. It feels a little surreal - almost like an out of body experience, like it isn’t really happening to you. Except that it is.

So after I allowed myself to grieve, I thought over how exactly it made me feel. And that’s when I realized what I felt. I felt relief. Like a huge burden had been lifted off my shoulders.

This may sound strange to some. But you see, I had been struggling for so long. Trying to walk, feeling SO frustrated with my circumstance, desperately grasping for any feeling of movement or strength to come to my legs - to the point that I would just stare at my foot willing it to move. I hadn’t realized how heavy a burden that had been on my mind. It was as if I was carrying around a mountain on my shoulders and it was just too much for me to bear.

I had spent the past two years in a state of “limbo,” constantly swaying back and forth between “I will walk again” to “I won’t walk again.” Limbo is not a stable place to live.

But here I am - six years later.

Is life still hard? Um, yes. If you know anything about me, you know it’s been quite difficult. Do I still get frustrated? Oh goodness, yes. ry often I will get frustrated with something that I can’t do, or with something that I have to do but don’t want to. Do I still sometimes stare at my feet, willing them to move? All the time.

But the difference is the fact that I know this is what my life is supposed to be like right now. I’m not clinging to some far off dream, waking each day in hopes something will happen, only to go to bed at night feeling defeated and discouraged because it didn’t happen.

Instead, I wake up each day knowing there will be some difficulty. I get up knowing that simple tasks like getting dressed or taking a shower are often exhausting. But I am prepared to do it. God has shown me, with Him, I know I can do it.

Focusing on not what used to be, but rather, what is true right now does a world of change to one’s thinking.

I want to make it clear that I have not given up hope of ever walking again. I know that God is a God of miracles, of the impossible. He is in control of everything. And if He so chooses, I could wake up tomorrow and be able to wiggle my toes, move my legs, stand up, and walk. ( I still have dreams that I am walking and it feels so good!) But I also know that His ways are not our ways. That sometimes He allows His children to stay in hard situations - whether that is forever or just for a time.

So here I am - six years later, taking it each day at a time. I know that, right now, this is the path that God has for me. And while I don’t love it, I don’t always enjoy it or even want it, I am willing to do it. Because in reality, I am so much better off now than I was six years ago. I am at peace. And the things God teaches me on a weekly basis through all of the hard really has been worth it. That’s not something I could always say. But now, I truly mean that with all my being.

If interested, you can read a little more about some of my reflections and what God has shown me, in a few of my other posts HERE and HERE.