The Blame Game
October of 2018 our family was gifted a weekend away to a cabin at the lake. This beautiful cabin was owned by a family in our church and was located about an hour from where we lived. Having had a busy, stressful year with not much time for vacation, we were excited for the time away. We packed up the things that we would need and headed to the lake.
It didn’t take long after arriving to settle in and begin to relax. The views of the lake surrounded by the colourful fall foliage were immediate and natural stress relievers. We enjoyed playing games together as a family, sitting out in the crisp, cool air by the fire pit, and snuggling inside watching a movie in the evening with a cozy fireplace burning nearby.
It may sound dreamy and idyllic, but that is because it was. It was wonderful.
One factor adding to the serenity was the fact that we did not have cell service. The cabin did have wifi, but the lack of reception made it easy to feel disconnected from the hustle of the outside world. There were quite a few other cabins around, but, by the stillness of them, I’d guess many were empty, probably closed up for the coming winter months. We really were off by ourselves in our own little world.
The second morning we were there, we decided to go out and sit by the fire pit. It was quite a cool morning, and the fire sounded like such a fun and inviting idea. We all put on our sweaters, my husband, Matt, grabbed the matches, and outside we all went. As my husband was wheeling me out the back door, I snatched up my phone, thinking I would take some photos of our time by the fire.
Within a few minutes, the fire was started, and were enjoying the sights, smells, and overall peacefulness of everything around us. One of my kids wanted to go inside for something, so he ran towards the house. He got to the door and turned the knob…. only to find a problem.
“It’s locked!” he yelled to us.
“What? Why? Are you sure?” I called back.
“I don’t know! And, yes, it’s locked!”
Matt jogged around to try the front door. Locked. He came back and tried the third and final door, a side door, which was - you guessed it - locked. We were completely locked out of the house.
Now, I’d like to say that we handled this with class, maybe even laughed it off, but, alas, we did not. We all immediately began to play - the blame game.
“Who was the last one out?”
“Did you turn the lock when you first opened the door?”
“Why didn’t you check it before you shut the door?”
“You MUST have hit the lock with your hand when you opened it! It had to have been you!”
Our serene peacefulness was instantly gone, and we were all arguing over whose fault it was. My husband and I felt a sense of urgency because we were far out from town, there didn’t appear to be too many people around us, and, best of all, the van keys were inside the house. We weren’t sure what to do.
We spent the next hour trying to open windows and searching the entire property for a hidden key. I figured the owners were smart enough to have an extra key hidden somewhere for just such an occasion. We just had to be smart enough to find it!
During that hour, the weather seemed to drop a degree or two, we started to get chilled, one of our girls had to go to the bathroom, and the blaming each other continued. I couldn’t go all over the property in my wheelchair, so I was no help searching around for a key. Instead I went into their screened-in porch to see if my phone (thank goodness I had it with me) would connect to the wifi so I could try to get in touch with the owners.
Thankfully, I was able to connect and send them a message on FB. I told them our predicament and asked if there was an extra key hidden. I even messaged another mutual friend to see if she could call them to ask for us. But it was a Sunday morning, and she would have been in church. I knew the chances of her seeing my message anytime soon were slim.
Finally, just when we were about to make a plan for my husband to walk somewhere to try to get cell service, we got a message back, telling us that there was, indeed, an extra key and where it was hidden. Interestingly enough, it was in one of the first spots we had looked (but apparently not close enough!). Matt grabbed the key, and we got into the house.
In later conversations with the owners, they told us the same thing has happened to them. That back door can lock itself when it is closed. They had forgotten to warn us about that. It really was no-one’s fault. No-one was to blame.
It has taken us a while to actually laugh about the whole episode. As I think back on that time, I find myself amazed at how easily we went from family fun, happiness, and tranquility to blaming each other and arguing. (Oops! Did I just admit that we aren’t a perfect family and we sometimes argue?) It was far too easy for us to immediately turn on each other and start blaming.
Blaming others when something goes wrong is an age-old occurrence. In fact, the first recorded blaming session was done by the first ever man and woman - Adam and Eve. After they got caught having disobeyed God, their very first instinct was to blame someone else. “It was the Woman!” “It was the serpent!”
Now, in our case, no one was to blame, but it sure makes me think about how often I blame other people or things for my own shortcomings in life. When I lose my temper and yell at my children, I blame the kids’ disobedience or my lack of sleep for my response. When I get upset with my husband for some small indiscretion, I blame the fact that I am a weary mom who just needs some time to herself and think he needs to be more understanding. When I fail to spend time with the Lord each day by reading His Word and praying, I blame the lack of time because I am busy with household duties and childrearing. When I refuse to forgive someone for how they hurt me, I blame the fact that they haven’t asked for my forgiveness or even shown remorse for what they have done.
It is so easy to point our finger and say, “It was them! They made me do it!” But the proper response should be to stop, look at ourselves, and focus on our own heart attitude. We need to be like King David when he said, “Search me, O God, and know my heart! Try me and know my thoughts! And see if there be any grievous way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.” (Psalm 139:23-24).
Christ, during his earthly ministry, was very clear that we are to deal with our own self before pointing our finger. “You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother’s eye.” (Matthew 7:5)
What would our world be like if each person owned up to his mistakes, to his own sins? I dare say things would look far different. But,. as wonderful as that would be, we can only change ourselves and our actions.
So instead of blaming my children when I get upset and raise my voice to them, I can look at my heart and how my response came from a place of anger, how I was mad that they inconvenienced me. Before I get upset with my husband and give him the silent treatment, I need to see that my response may be coming from a place of selfishness, wanting my comfort and wants over my husband’s. Before I use my busyness as an excuse for not spending time in God’s Word, I need to evaluate my priorities and see what I am placing as more important than my relationship with Him. Before I begin to carry bitterness and a grudge that can lead to hatred over the way I was treated by someone who has not owned up to it and asked for forgiveness, I need to remember that Christ forgave me long before I ever asked for forgiveness.
Our sinful nature wants to immediately blame others for our reactions instead of taking responsibility, but when we put our trust and faith in Christ, he gives us the freedom to not have to give in to the flesh. When things don’t go according to plan, when we are tempted to respond by blaming everything else, we can instead take a minute, step back, and be sure to keep our reactions in check. And in doing so, we can avoid playing the blame game.
No one made the cabin door to lock us out that day. But perhaps, if we had all taken a moment to stop and think it through, we wouldn’t have had an unpleasant hour of blaming each other, but rather just looked at it as a funny adventure on an otherwise pleasant family vacation.